A milestone!

I am under 250 pounds this morning! I have been looking forward to this milestone! 249.6 this morning. OMG I can't believe it! That's another 2 pounds since yesterday, I think the long bike ride in the heat that I took helped burn a ton of calories and contributed to such a huge weight loss yesterday so I may have to get out there again today and get some exercise - the payoff is so great! So that makes a total of 27 pounds this month. The doctor has my high weight as 280 so I get confused sometimes cuz I don't know which weight they are tracking me from to count my losses, so according to them I'm down 30.4 pounds - I like the bigger numbers when it is in my favor :) I don't see the doctor again until Tuesday, August 2nd, so another week. I wonder what I will weight then? It would be cool to be down to 245 or less.

Today i am also going to go find some new protein shakes. So tired of the ones I've been drinking, ugh. Muscle Milk is the tastiest but it's more expensive than the other ones I have so I was trying to just have Muscle Milk once in a while but now I don't care, drinking 3 of these a day now, I need to at least not be dreading them.

This has got to be the boringest blog ever. Oh wellz, it is more my journal than anything else so I guess it doesn't have to be exciting in that case :)

It's been a week!

Hard to believe that a week ago already I was getting my insides sliced and diced. I feel so back to normal and it's been such a quick recovery. The doc said after 7 days I could do anything I could handle with no restrictions except no lifting more than 10 pounds. SO I think I shall try a bike ride with Steven today. I'm excited to get on the bike, it's been too long.

The scale was nice to me this morning, 251.6. That makes 10 pounds lost in the past week, 25.2 lost since 4th of July. It is so surreal to lose weight so quickly, every morning when I get on the scale it goes down and it's kind of fun to get up and see what the new number is. I will be stoked to be under 250 for the first time in about 10 years, hopefully that will happen this week!

It's still a mental struggle every day to really digest the difference in my eating life. It's hard to really accept that I will never have freedom again to eat as I please and I have essentially locked myself in to a life-long healthy-eating REQUIREMENT. That's the whole point, left to my own devices I don't make good choices and I got to be morbidly obese. So now the choices are taken from me for the most part and that is good and I am excited to lose weight but it's a head trip to really realize how I have done this to myself for my own good and I won't always like it. 3 more weeks of liquid diet. I have no clue how I will manage the boredom of soup and protein shakes for 3 more weeks but I will have to do it. I have to just not think about it and do it. The nice thing is I have a trip to Chicago to look forward to on the first weekend of my "mushies" stage so when I go there I can enjoy mushy foods for the first time, like refried beans, mashed potatoes, braunschweiger, bananas, soft fruits, cooked veggies, yum! And I'm guessing a Chicago hot dog is mushy if you chew it long enough ;) I plan on enjoying one bite of a hot dog, they have the best, after all!

Happy and a bit melancholy

I do fine at home not thinking about food and everything I'm missing. But today I went out and it was really tough. All I saw was restaurants, people eating, and just food food food food food. I went to lunch with Kat to Cecil's and their soup of the day was Vegetable Beef - super lucky for me since I was in the market for some hearty broth. It was really good but basically 5 or 6 spoonfuls is my max right now before it gets a little uncomfortable in my gut. But it was still tasty. I don't want Kat to feel bad eating around me, he already feels weird, so I didn't let on how incredibly tough it was to see him eat his lovely looking Reuben. It's an adjustment and I have to keep dealing with it and eventually it will be easier. Then we walked to St Catherine's where there was an art fair. It was SO fun to visit with all the artists and look at the super unique paintings, blown glass, metal works and interesting jewelry. Kat bought me the most beautiful glass pendant :) I got in 40 ounces of fluid up to that point in the day but being the heat, it was enough to do me in. We went back to his house and I fell asleep almost instantly for a much needed nap. I woke up feeling great though and went to Panera on my way home and got some creamy tomato soup. OMG it is like ridiculously good. 6 bites and I feel full BUT, it's amazing how mentally it turns off the cravings and the food thoughts when there is real nutrition in your gut.

The scale this morning - 254.8. Another drop! I LOVE IT!

Improvements abound!

It's day 5 and I am off all pain meds, moving pretty normally, getting in my required fluids and resting well. I weight in this morning and was 257.8! I was super excited to see that number, that means 19 pounds down in the past 3 weeks. It's only going to get better too! :)

Basically the only stress I have is worry about getting enough fluids in. I can only sip 1/2 ounce at a time so getting in 64 ounces of clear fluids is 128 sips. This takes just about all day since I have to pause a bit between sips to let it settle. I get a cramp with every sip too and usually an air bubble and so it's uncomfortable to drink but I have to. I also have to get in 15 ounces of protein shakes per day at a minimum, plus broth, juice, etc as I can tolerate. It's like I am drinking non-stop. I am supposed to walk alot so I pace around my place often and each night I have taken a longer and longer walk. Tonight I will attempt about a half-mile. Copper is loving this new habit of mine, poor pup never got walked enough before.

I went to Walgreens today and it was fun to be dressed in normal clothes and makeup and not look like anything was out of the ordinary and shop for my shampoo and stuff. My stomach where the incisions are is a bit swollen and my incisions are very bruised looking but otherwise clean and healing well so I'm grateful for that. I remember the infection I got after having Steven and that was NOT fun.

Everyone has been so great, lots of visitors and phone calls from the fabulous people in my life. It is such a good distraction and keeps my spirits up and not all bummed for having to be home all week. I will get out more this weekend, maybe catch a movie and have some soup somewhere. Idk, it's so exciting to think about, hee hee.

The doctor said he wouldn't clear me for work til after he sees me on August 2nd. I am freaking out at that cuz I will go nuts sitting here for yet another week. I am going to see how I feel and ask him next week if I can go work half-days next week. I can't imagine what it would harm since I sit all day and I will be vigilant about drinking my water. We shall see.

Wellz, that's my update. So far I'm loving the losers bench!

Weight Gain Surgery?

I checked in for surgery on Monday morning weight in at 261.3 woo hoo! Day after surgery and I weigh in at 269.7! Fluids, lotsa fluid retention I guess. Today I sit here waiting to be picked up and go home and I am 265.4 so I guess now I'm losing. It'll probably be a week til I'm back down to pre-surgery weight dang it. Oh wellz. I'm typing on my blackberry so its rather messy but figured I have the time to write so I will. The surgery was much rougher than I thought it would be, Monday is a day I hope to have erased from my memory forever, what a hellish awful disastrous day. About 10pm my pain was finally under control and I started to feel normal again. Since then its been a rather smooth process and I'm feeling tired and like I did too many stomach crunches but pretty darn good otherwise! I am excited to feel my own sheets on my skin, my own towels and to breathe my own home's air again. I will miss being waited on though :) I'll write more details later Iguess, I'm off to home :)

Surgery Eve

Wellz, it's the big day tomorrow. I have to be up at 4:45am to get to the hospital by 5:15. I did the Magnesium citrate today and am currently not enjoying what's happening as a result. Gotta be empty I guess. Surgery is at 7:30am.

I'm ready to go, totally at peace, totally zen. I'm ready to do this and I'm looking forward to it being done and starting the recovery process.

I weighed in at 263.8 this morning. I am up a bit tonight for some reason, I think all the water I drank did that. It's weird. Idk, whatever. As of this morning though that was 13 pounds lost. I'm super pleased with that.

See you on the other side!

Emotion meltdown

What an emotional roller coaster. The past few days I have felt totally emotional and uptight and tense and just freaked out underneath it all as the day looms ahead. I'm excited but ultimately filled with trepidation. What if I regret it? What if it all goes horribly wrong? What if I die? What if I have life-long complications? What if I lose a ton of weight and my life changes in ways I didn't anticipate because of it (and for the worst?) What if I can never have a donut again? What if's have plagued my mind but I have rarely let any of them come to the forefront, hence a totally short-fused, tense, anxious mood that has been totally unfair to everyone around me. Tonight Kat and I were at dinner and I got the most awesome beef broth ever from our favorite Thai restaurant. It was filling and full of good protein and just hit the spot after a day of not eating enough or drinking enough and feeling rather faint. We started talking about how I've been feeling about food and my food addiction and the emotions that have started coming out and I almost had a meltdown. I wanted to have a meltdown. I said that I was about due for a big cry to get it all out. About an hour later, it happened. I sobbed myself silly. All the emotions just came out and it was like a flood gate. Once I got it all out I felt like a weight was off my shoulders and I feel so much better. I can do this, I will be fine, it will be good. I have so many wonderfully supportive people in my life to buoy my through this and for that I am so grateful.

I have not been perfect on this liquid diet. I have cheated. In the past 13 days I have eaten the following:
1 macaroni noodle
2 sausage blobs off of pizza
1 Sweet-tart
2 gum balls (chewed them, didn't EAT them)
1 almond
1 teaspoon of peanut butter
A few licks of frosting/cool whip from Steven's birthday cake

I am not going to feel guilty about any of it. I am super proud of my willpower.

So tomorrow is all clear liquids and lovely preparations that I am not looking forward to. I won't start those til after 5 so I plan a day full of relaxation and hopefully indulging in the people I love. Then 5:30 am on Monday I check in at St Joseph's hospital and the operation is at 7:30am. I am looking forward to none of that but I am so looking forward to it being over and waking up and knowing it is done.

I'll keep this posted I hope so my friends from the discussion boards know what's happening. Those guys have been a lifesaver, learning so much about what is to come from people who have actually done it.

Over it

Well I'm over the food cravings and whining about not getting to eat. I guess I got through the first of many battles and am just feeling more accepting of the changes. It's hard to make myself drink soup and eat applesauce, I'm content with just protein shakes and I have no hunger. But I need to keep my nutrition up so I guess I will try to do better getting more calories in tomorrow. The scale hasn't budged in a couple of days which is WEIRD when you're exercising and on all liquids. Probably in starvation mode, idk. I'm down 10.2 pounds. I thought it was 12 but I was wrong. Oh wellz. Hopefully by Monday when I weigh before surgery it will be down that much, idk, I'm not going to stress about it. My liver should be thinner and that's the whole goal.

I really think that my new lifestyle will be pretty easy during the week, it's the weekends that will remain a struggle. Socializing around food is something I have always done and love to do so I have to come up with some good strategies for that so I am in control and not feeling sorry for myself that I can't indulge. The rest of the time if food isn't around me, then I'm fine. I no longer crave food when I have other things to occupy me. So that is really great. I'm on my way! 3 days left. I wonder if my tummy knows what's coming? Poor thing..getting sliced and diced. I hope it is happy to heal up quickly! I want to get back to life as soon as possible!

This. Sucks.

I am seriously so not a happy camper. It's seriously doing a number on me emotionally, this whole not eating thing. Last night was Steven's birthday dinner and we had pizza and it was so freaking hard to not eat it. Again, I wasn't even hungry. But my body wants food and my head wants food and the greasier the better. So it was really a tough couple of hours of battle in my head again and ultimately I drank tomato soup and sat away from the pizza and I was fine. But I wanted it and I mourned it and it was really rather ridiculous. When food is not around I am fine. It is in it's presence that I am a blithering idiot. So I apparently will have trouble in all social situatoins where there is food, plus restaurants, grocery stores, amusement parks, sporting events, fairs, gas stations, and on and on and on. I am not deterred, I'm going to do this. When I was able to eat what I wanted and when I wanted it, I was not happy after I ate something bad for me. That is the logical thought that is keeping me going on this liquid diet thing. I biked with my sister last night which burned all energy I had in me and today I am dragging and hungry but it was worth it. I want to lose more pounds this week and exercise, especially cardio, will do just that.

Guess that's it. I'm just processing it all.

Battle of my will

I was in the Burger King drive thru tonight getting Steven some dinner cuz he was STARVING TO DEATH and had not eaten all day. I was thinking how it would be nice to have one last indulgent bad-for-me meal and how it wouldn't matter, I have a whole week ahead of liquids to undo any damage I would do and so what's the harm? The the angel on my shoulder kicked the snuff out of the devil on my other shoulder with the realization that if I did that I would positively hate myself tomorrow. And if I did that then that means food and advertising and immediate wants would prove their hold over me. And if I want something I've never had, I have to do something I've never done - which is to be strong over and over and over and over again always. So I made myself a deal. I could have one bite of Steven's hamburger. So I did. And I don't feel guilty because it was a huge victory compared to what I WANTED to do. And it was mostly protein and I chewed it to near-liquid so that works. The problem is it made me want to eat more when I got home and I had to fight off the eating demons again. I won this time :)

I had a pretty good eating weekend, was too busy to really think about what I wasn't having. It was hard to watch people eat at parties and Steven's ball games and it was really hard to not have popcorn at the movies but I lived. Ultimately it's just getting my emotional attachment to lessen and lessen with repeated wins over temptation. This battle is just getting started so I better gear up!

10 pounds are gone, that feels great! I bought a shirt that was a size I haven't worn in a while so that was a nice non-scale victory or NSV as they call it on the message boards. Just gotta do that another 12 times and I'll be golden!

Emotions

Last night was the biggest test of my resolve thus far. I went to Acapulco with friends and they have the best chips and salsa ever. And I had to watch my friends eat it in front of me. It was TORTURE. Not cuz I was hungry but cuz I wanted it. Not cuz I wanted to taste it, but because I have never sat next to chips and salsa and not eaten it. I just wanted to do the action of putting it in my mouth and chewing and mindlessly doing it over and over again. It was seriously SO hard to sit there and keep focused to keep my hand from grabbing a chip. It was almost like my hand had a mind of it's own. Crazy. I prevailed but it was seriously crazily hard.

Then later Kat was starting to tell me about the food at a wedding he went to. I had to stop him cuz I started crying. I was so sad. Over food. Food has been my best friend and I'm breaking it off cold turkey. I'm going to see other people, er, I mean, things :) Seriously, that's what is happening. I'm having to find other things that make me happy and feel good instead of eating. This is so much more than just a physical change, it's a mental makeover. Changing the thought processes I have had for about 20 years is not going to happen overnight but it has to happen.

I went grocery shopping tonight for more protein drinks, low carb yogurt and broth. I am not going in the grocery store again. I'll be sending others to go for me. It was seriously mental anguish. I get why some alcoholics can't go around booze at all ever again. It was just awful. Of COURSE they came out with Honey Barbecue Cheet-o's now that I can't have any. Seriously? FML. lol!

Getting in the groove

So I have made some progress this week on the scale. I was down to 268.8 this morning so that's what, 8 pounds in 4 days? I can definitely handle that!! I need to be down to 260 on the doctor's scale on the day of surgery - that's MY goal. The doctor wants me to lose 10-12 pounds so if I'm at 263 he would still operate but I wanna be an over-achiever :D That should totally be doable if this keeps up.

I attempted a workout with my trainer this morning. It was BRUTAL. I had no strength, no energy and it ended BADLY. I went home and napped for a bit and felt well enough to go to work, albeit late. I am glad I got some exercise in but I feel it's kinda dangerous to continue at that level until I am more used to my new diet. Next week I'll focus on cardio and that should be good, lots of breaks.

The hunger has all but gone away. I get a little hungry at mealtimes and the protein shakes seem to cure the pangs. I'm looking forward to tomato soup at lunch today, yum!

Thirsty!

Water intake today: 104 ounces
Trips to the bathroom: 9 and counting


I'm on an all liquid diet and yet I have an insatiable thirst! What is THAT about? I had tomato soup for lunch and 2 protein drinks, none of which were salty or full of sodium. I need to google it guess.
I did better today with both hunger pains and mental whining because I can feel the different just one day made on my waistline. I think it will be nice to wake up each day feeling empty and smaller. We'll see. I am tired and I can definitely tell a difference with no coffee to get through the day but hopefully that means I will sleep really well tonight. We shall see.

I'm feeling even better about my decision to have the sleeve and not bypass surgery. The people on my discussion boards I visit every day seem to all resoundingly love their choice and have had very very few complications or frustrations. I definitely think I made the best choice for me.

I'm going to go pee.

I could eat my arm

I'm so freaking hungry. I had to fast all day cuz I had a gallbladder ultrasound at 3:30 so not only was it Day 1 of liquids, it was a day I couldn't even have that til after my doctor visits. I had an EKG, Chest X-Ray, gallbladder ultrasound, physical and full lab work up. So I got home and had a giant Muscle Milk, then a cup of tomato soup and now working on another protein shake. I will need to drink one more to get my protein requirements in for the day. I have been already dreaming about the way a Cheet-o smells and how good a cupcake would taste. So I have already had to remind myself why I'm doing this and how Cheet-os got me here to this obese state. Tomorrow I will be stronger, especially when I see the scale. :)

Here I go!

Here we go! I'm gonna be a LOSER!

I'm starting this blog to chronicle my journey as a loser - a poundage loser. And I hate the word "journey." It is too fluffy and goopy but it's hard to find an alternative word that is as concise as the J-word. I want to be able to look back on this "path" and learn from it all so I best put it all down. It's more for my own purposes than for anyone else's benefit but perhaps some of my support group peeps and I can share blogs. We shall see.

So, the J-word started in January when I just kinda decided to take the plunge and investigate weight loss surgery. I've been overweight my entire life and I just am tired of the see-sawing and the struggle to lose and keep it off, start good habits and stick to them and the guilt/shame cycle that goes along with it. I wanted to do something that would put a lock on the door from me quitting good habits and would force me to actually make permanent changes. After attending informational classes and talking to insurance people and lots of hard-core consideration, I decided to pursue a Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy. Check out the details here: http://www.lapsf.com/vertical-gastrectomy-weight-loss-surgery.php

Since January I have attended classes, had numerous dietician, nutritionist and bariatric nurse consultations plus psychological testing and lots of lifestyle alterations in preparation for this huge life-changing event. It's been such a great learning experience and key to getting my mind ready for what is to come. Physical hunger isn't the problem here, it's mind hunger. It's the problem most obese people have - emotional eating, boredom eating, stress eating. None if it stems from hunger of the body and weight loss surgery doesn't do anything to help mental hunger. So it's been a big task to try to recognize and correct those bad habits. I'm not there yet but I've got a much better grip on it than when I started.

So today starts Day 1 of a 2-week liquid diet leading up to my July 18th surgery. I can have low-carb protein drinks, clear broths, tomato soup, applesauce, diluted fruit juice, low calorie cream soups and vegetable beef or chicken soup that has been blended. For 2 weeks. The whole point of this is to lose some weight rapidly before surgery as the the procedure is laporoscopic and to do it they have to move the liver out of the way - when you lose weight quickly, you lose it first from your organs, mainly your liver. So, I am working on shrinking my liver. Exciting. I did have my last coffee this morning. I won't be having coffee again for many many months so I savored it. And now I'm over it. Bu-bye. I won't be chewing again for about 6 weeks. That kind of is a weird thought. I am most concerned about having enough energy on just liquids to function well at work and get some workouts in before surgery. I wonder if 5-hour energy is on the approved list of liquids...I'll have to check it out.

I am excited to start losing weight and seeing numbers on the scale that I haven't seen since I was a teenager. It's hard to believe that is really going to happen, I'm really going to have that kind of success and I'm really going to leave the Morbidly Obese category for good. Today's weight is the heaviest I will ever be again. That's so exciting! I have debated putting my actual weight on here at all cuz it's soooo something a fat person doesn't ever want to reveal. But I guess if I'm going to chronicle my J-word I have to be honest.

Starting weight on my scale this morning - *gulp* 276.8 lbs. The dr scale said 273 and their scale seems like it's off, mine always is higher than theirs. I guess that's good? Whatever.
My scale sucks, it can fluctuate 3 pounds in about an hour. But I gotta go by something.

My doctor's goal for me is 180. I don't know how I feel about that cuz I haven't been 180 since I was like 15. So my happy place would just be getting below 200 and then we'll go from there. It is really daunting to think about losing that much weight but I'm gonna do it. Statistically the healthiest people of my height weigh between 150 and 160. So i guess that is my dream weight. We shall see if that ever becomes a reality.

Okay, it feels really weird to have admitted all that. Obese people tend to hold these shameful facts close and gloss over the stark reality of it. I can't do that anymore, it's just time to DO THIS.