Emotions

Last night was the biggest test of my resolve thus far. I went to Acapulco with friends and they have the best chips and salsa ever. And I had to watch my friends eat it in front of me. It was TORTURE. Not cuz I was hungry but cuz I wanted it. Not cuz I wanted to taste it, but because I have never sat next to chips and salsa and not eaten it. I just wanted to do the action of putting it in my mouth and chewing and mindlessly doing it over and over again. It was seriously SO hard to sit there and keep focused to keep my hand from grabbing a chip. It was almost like my hand had a mind of it's own. Crazy. I prevailed but it was seriously crazily hard.

Then later Kat was starting to tell me about the food at a wedding he went to. I had to stop him cuz I started crying. I was so sad. Over food. Food has been my best friend and I'm breaking it off cold turkey. I'm going to see other people, er, I mean, things :) Seriously, that's what is happening. I'm having to find other things that make me happy and feel good instead of eating. This is so much more than just a physical change, it's a mental makeover. Changing the thought processes I have had for about 20 years is not going to happen overnight but it has to happen.

I went grocery shopping tonight for more protein drinks, low carb yogurt and broth. I am not going in the grocery store again. I'll be sending others to go for me. It was seriously mental anguish. I get why some alcoholics can't go around booze at all ever again. It was just awful. Of COURSE they came out with Honey Barbecue Cheet-o's now that I can't have any. Seriously? FML. lol!